"I FEEL JUST AS TRAPPED AS MY
HUSBAND DOES IN FRANCE"
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You are in a
very difficult position and I can understand how
desperate and helpless you feel and also your reluctance
to discuss your husband’s difficulties with a third
party. However, I think from what you say about his
behaviour, that your husband is ill and already in a
state of breakdown and cannot, at present, take
responsibility for himself.
For both your sakes, whether he thinks he needs it or
not, you have to put your difficult feelings to one
side, gather your strength and find him some
professional psychiatric help before things get worse
and he does either you or himself some real damage. I
think you would be letting him down if you didn’t. If he
won’t go to your doctor, then you need to go and talk
the situation over with her and try to get a plan of
action. I do hope that your doctor is sympathetic and
that you manage to get the help from her that you both
need.
Do you have any close friends or relations who have a
good relationship with him and whose help you could
seek? I think you need some support and, if there is
nobody else you can trust, maybe you could find a
counsellor on this site. I know you fear what your
husband might do but you are going to be no help to him
if you don’t look after yourself.
Right now I don’t think a talking therapy would be
helpful for your husband, although in the future it
might help him to discuss with a therapist the damaging
relationship he feels he had with his mother. Clearly
you are experiencing other more practical difficulties,
shortage of money and no work. These will have played
into your husband’s state of mind and you will need to
find some practical help with that too. You don’t say
why you came to France or how long you have lived here,
whether you are permanently resident, but maybe you
could seek some help from the French social services.
Difficult as it may be, you have to stand back, think of
the future and take practical action, just as you would
if your husband had had a serious physical illness or
accident.
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THERAPIST B IS
CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE SO THIS RESPONSE IS FROM A
PERSON-CENTRED COUNSELLOR WITH
EXPERIENCE OF WORKING WITH FAMILIES
The situation
that you both find yourselves in seems to be exacerbated
by not having the usual support systems that you would
have in the UK. However, the support IS there in France
but it can only be accessed through your doctor and from
what you have said, her referral would likely be to a
psychiatrist. Maybe you could go to see the doctor as
this is not a counselling issue and, to be honest, a
counsellor would be likely to refer you on anyway as
your husband sounds as though he is having a mental
breakdown. If he is showing aggressive tendencies, this
makes me really worried about what might happen if he
doesn't get some help soon. He may be angry when he
discovers that you have gone to see the doctor without
his knowledge, but you may find that he is glad that you
are taking the initiative to get some help as he seems
to be feeling utterly helpless himself.
You seem to have been trying to tackle this for quite a
time while the situation has gradually worsened and I
think you have been have been very brave to take this
problem outside yourselves, but also very sensible as
you wouldn't be helping him by continuing to try to
handle it between you. Given the hint you have given
about his relationship with his mother and the fact that
your husband is desperately trying to keep a grip on
reality, I honestly feel you need to act immediately to
make sure that you are both safe, as the situation
sounds really worrying for you as well as your husband.
What sort of family support do you have? If the worst
comes to the worst and you are unable to access help in
France, would one of your family members or friends come
to pick you both up and take you back to the UK,
ostensibly for a visit? Once there, your husband may be
more willing to communicate with a mental health
professional and you at least would be able to get
proper support and help. I wish you well and hope it all
works out for you both. |
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There seem to be a number of issues
involved in what you write.
Firstly, it may help if you work out for yourself what
you want and how you want to handle the situation. I
would imagine that there are moments when your husband
is less distressed and more able to listen.
If possible, you could try to tell him calmly what is
acceptable to you and what is not. Secondly, it sounds
as though your husband feels out of control and this may
be aggravated if he feels that you are plunging down
with him. You do not say how long you have been in
France and whether either of you speak French. Moving to
a foreign country can mean that all our usual means of
making yourself feel safe may no longer be available and
may lead to feelings of vulnerability and
disintegration.
It is as though our usual defences are either no longer
there or no longer work. This can be very frightening
and may be something that your husband is experiencing
at the moment. It would seem that it is all too much for
him and feelings and thoughts from his past are being
evoked by all that is going on. It is frightening to
witness somebody going through what your husband is
going through.
It is quite clear that he cannot handle this crisis on
his own and needs help. You cannot arrange help without
his knowledge unless you feel that the situation is
extreme enough to call the emergency services. You can,
however, get help for yourself by talking to your GP or
someone else with whom you feel comfortable.
At least this will give you some support and it may make
it easier for your to deal with the situation at home.
It may also help you to find way to talk with your
husband about what is going on. |
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