"HOW CAN I DEAL WITH MY DYING, ABUSIVE SISTER?"
My non-smoking sister was diagnosed with Stage IV
Lung Cancer three weeks after we arrived in France. Lung
cancer is common in people who are type "C"
personalities who want to please abusive people. My
mother was an abusive person who dominated my sister's
life in her last year. I gently tried to get her to go to
get counselling, but she was not interested. She had so
much bitterness toward my mother that I did not think it
was good for her, but she seemed unable to protect
herself or to stop trying harder to please. Even before
she found out about her lung cancer, she began to be
abusive toward me even as she kept calling and insisting
I was her best friend. She told me that our friendship
was over if we came to France, that she "didn't want a
husband in Thailand." She was furious with me for
ignoring her when she said she was too busy to see me
over Mother's Day, even after I told her I was coming to
see our mother and didn't even care if I saw her. She
told me she doesn't trust me to honour her wishes
relative to the the disposal of our mother's ashes and
to contacting her friends. She wanted more than two
emails or calls a week then she complained when we did
not call or write.
Now, she has invited us back to her house for Christmas,
paid our way from her frequent flyer points and started
asking me about lodging, getting bikes and car
arrangements. She mentioned she would like help with the
gardening. She asked us to stay for a month, a week in
her town at the beginning and three days at the end,
hoping that it was clear that she doesn't want us in
town the rest of the time. I wrote back with some ideas
on how we might spend those days together and she wrote
a cold note that how we spent our time was our business.
We should make our own plans and if she felt like it she
would join us.
She is terrified of dying. In addition, I believe that
she really loves/hates me because we came to France. I
think that the terrific anger she has toward my mother
is now aimed at me. She is inconsistent and abusive. One
time, when I told her I had to get off the phone, that I
couldn't take any more abuse about her paranoia that I
was hiding our will from her, she asked me what was
really bothering me that I was so sensitive. My back
went out this week due to this stress. I want to support
her. I have compassion for her terror of dying. I have
been spending three hours a day helping her choose
treatments. But I am at the end of my ability to cope
with my own grief, her neediness and her abuse. It would
be easier if her abuse were consistent, but it feels as
if my very existence sparks it.
ANSWERS
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